Sometime around this time …
… in a place very similar to this, something extraordinary happened. This event was so remarkable, you might say it changed the course of mankind forever. Or you might say absolutely nothing happened and we are totally bonkers.
Because only the initiated, the chosen few, can become bearers of the information we’re about to reveal. You are one of the lucky ones.
Splendid, great choice! Glad to have you with us.
The phenomenon we’re about to reveal happened in the renowned land of Charlottesville, Virginia, which is a hilly place full of normal things, mostly. On a rainy afternoon, a fairly average guy with above-average facial hair went into his garage to grab an umbrella. But instead of the usual tire pumps and tennis rackets, on the far wall he noticed a large opening leading to a bright space beyond. It glowed a vibrant fuschia, then an electric orange, then a neon yellow. Clearly this psychedelic portal, appearing out of nowhere, was an invitation to something wild.
Like any heart-pumping human would, the man stepped through the opening and into a world that looked very much like the one he just left: green grass, tall trees, rolling hills dotted with houses...but everything went to 11. Colors blazed like tangoing rainbows! Birds sang ‘80s rock ballads! Flowers spun around like ferris wheels! Everything was just a little bit more awesome.
As he ducked under a swarm of bees buzzing to the tune of “Shakedown Street,” the man noticed an odd creature visible from behind a large licorice cactus. It had the body of a slug and a head like a grinning bowling ball, with one glittery eye and one kitten’s tooth. When the creature heard the man approaching, it turned and gave him a set of enthusiastic, double-hand-waving jumping jacks.
“Hello?” said the man.
“Howza! Howza! ScabaDOOOOSH!” the creature said in return. “That means, hello! We’ve been waiting for you!”
“For me? You have? But, where am I? And who are you?” asked the confused dude.
“Yes, you. You are the owner of the most excellent garage in all of history! Your garage is the wobbly playground bridge that connects your reality to this dimension—the dimension of Radness. You’ll find everything in your world also exists here in Radness, it’s just way cooler.”
“Oh,” said the eloquent guy.
“I am Bill, the most excellent of all the CCs. I’m the most talented speaker of words.”
“Caffeine Creatures. Instead of humans, Radness is full of tubular, friendly-monster types. We love to stomp around and form pyramids and headbutt each other in the stomach, all on account of our super-amazing power fuel.”
“Power fuel?” asked the man, who could only repeat things in rising intonation.
“A delicious beverage that flows like a river around here. It gives us our awesome energy, not to mention our charming personalities. In fact, it’s what supercharges everything you see around you—it’s why Radness is so much more rad than your own land. Here, try some!” With that, Bill handed the man a flagon of dark, swirling matter that moved like a butterfly in a windstorm.
He took a sip. It was so smooth, so delicious! He could immediately feel a new, awesome purpose coursing through his veins. “Whoa. I love this stuff! My roommate totally needs to know about this.”
“Then the prophecy is true! This is why we’ve been waiting for you—we knew you’d be the one to transport our fuel back to your world. You’re the great conduit, Garage God! Your people need our fuel in order to shake off their cobwebs of dullness and achieve their greatest potential. So go forth, and spread the radness as far as you can.”
Bill then led him to a souped-up wagon with tube sock streamers that trailed glitter. It was packed high with cans and bags of the empowering matter. The man took hold of the wagon’s handle and rolled it back towards the technicolor portal, stopping to wave (with both hands, while doing a jumping jack) and thank Bill for all he’d shown him.
“You’re most welcome, Garage God. Come back anytime you and your people need to refuel your rad!”
And that was exactly what he did.
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